— Originally published in Honcho magazine - July, 1996 —

MEETING A STRAIGHT GUY

by Lefty Boylan (aka Michael Kirwan)

So I'm sitting in this bar, a gay bar, bullshitting with a bunch of friends I hadn't seen for a while, and another buddy joins us with this hot little number in tow. Introductions are made all around, and I find myself staring at this very cute stranger. He's got the short, stocky body I like, a sweet smile, and a kind of gravelly voice showcasing a well-developed vocabulary. Our casual banter turns into a real conversation. This guy looks great and speaks well and I'm really enjoying his company when he declares that he's straight. I've had a few drinks, and as he's apparently "off limits," I decide to do a little table-turning. Here's the verbatim.

ME: You're straight? I never would have guessed! Do your parents know?

HE: Huh? Yeah, of course my folks know that I'm straight.

ME: Well, I think it's always a good idea to be honest about that sort of thing. And they're dealing with it okay?

HE: What do you mean?

ME: Well, you know how it is. I've heard of parents disassociating with their own kids when they find out about them. It's always good to hear a story like yours, where the parents are supportive.

HE: Hey, I don't think you understood me. I'm a heterosexual.

ME: Yes, yes, I got it. When did you first figure out that you were a heterosexual?

HE: Well, I always knew! I was born this way.

ME: I think that's really commendable. You know, for the longest time I thought that most of you guys had been molested by predatory women or had some kind of fucked-up relationship with your father, but now I understand a little better that it just, uh, happens. Did you ever consider doing something about it? You know, getting some help?

HE: Help? Help for what?

ME: It's just that I'd heard that some of you guys have been "cured" by some religious or psychological intervention. Not that there's anything wrong with the way you are, don't misunderstand me; I would just imagine that life would be easier if you were norma... er, I mean, uh, gay. I mean you could pass, not like some other guys who are so obviously straight.

HE: Hey, I think that you've got things mixed around. I'm really happy being the way I am.

ME: That's cool. I think it's great. Take it easy. Do you have any brothers or sisters?

HE: Yeah, I've got a sister who's married and has a couple of kids.

ME: Wow! So she's a straight, too. Two in the same family. Does she get weird when you play with the children?

HE: Hey! What are you saying? That because I'm straight I can't be trusted around little kids?

ME: No, no! I mean, some people who are really backwards think that way, but not me. No, you seem almost norma... I mean, like a regular gay person to me.

HE: You know something? You're a real asshole!

It's fun to put the shoe on the other foot, and I suggest you all give it a whirl when the opportunity presents itself. Give those breeders a taste of their own medicine, and have a few laughs while you're at it. We've put up with shit for way too long. Let them take a walk in our conversational (high) heels.