— Originally published in Honcho magazine - March, 1996 —

Go Fuck Yourself

by Lefty Boylan (aka Michael Kirwan)

I was hanging out, kicking back and bull-shitting with a few friends and a couple of acquaintances at some big homo to-do last month when one of the guys (who I'd seen around but wasn't that familiar with) said, "Oh, here comes my lover, I want you to meet him." One of my buddies nudged me in the ribs and whispers, "Check this out." His lover was very pleasant, conversational and hot. Just like the guy himself. Just like him.

These two could almost have been biological twins. They had the same facial structure, body type (with identical muscular development), shaved heads and goatees, identical body jewelry (multiple earrings, pierced nipples and navels), and tattoos of similar size and style in the same places (both arms, left shoulders). They had on the same kind of clothes worn in exactly the same fashion. These two guys even had similar speech patterns, despite the fact that one hailed from Texas and the other from Ireland!

What is this all about? Is this narcissism taken to outrageous extremes or is it something else altogether? Another pal of mine kept glancing down the bar on another occasion, giving his most sultry pouty expressions until he realized that he'd been cruising his own image in an oddly placed mirror. We laughed about it, but the truth was, he would have jumped his own bones if he could. I've even noticed duplicate geeky gay lovers. Do these guys actually go out looking for someone who resembles them? Am I the only one who finds this trend somehow disturbing? I really can't imagine what colossal ego would crave watching itself hanging out, personified in the guise of a lover. When I had run across this bizarre phenomenon four times in the same day while soaking up atmosphere (and gin) in the local gay ghetto, I began analyzing the situation. Either these guys are way too much in love with themselves, or one of them is so insecure and unformed as a person that he adopts the look and characteristics of his intended. I wondered just how many of these chameleon-like dudes are out there hunting for a new identity they can slip on like a pair of previously owned jeans. It would seem to me that the whole process of realizing that you're gay, dealing with the fallout, and being put in a position where you have to declare who and what you are, should forge a certain amount of individual parameters. Could some of these guys be co-opting the sexuality of their heart's desire as well as the general demeanor? To tell the truth if someone who I was keeping company with began echoing my movements, speech, and slovenly appearance, I would be totally creeped out. I could understand gradual similarities developing between people who spend a lot of time together, have the same interests and routines, but that's not what I'm talking about here. There's something very peculiar (and not in a fun way) about this sort of parrotish behavior. If that's what it is. Who knows? It could well be that these guys are just alike to begin with and delight in finding their soul-mate bears such a remarkable likeness, such an uncanny resemblance, such a striking affinity.

Perhaps the whole thing is some kind of relationship preservation mechanism. Because, really, just how do you go about the process of breaking up with yourself?! How do you look in the mirror each morning and not be reminded of the errant lover, when he's right there looking back at you? How do you divide up your lives when it's the same exact one? Personally, I think that these guys simply misconstrued the actual intention meant the first time they were told to "Go fuck yourself."