— originally published in Allboy Magazine - November, 2000 issue —

All he was trying to do was get a handjob from his girlfriend.

When that backfired, he suddenly found himself in a peculiar situation, with a mouth on his dick, one in his hand, another up his ass, and a handjob suddenly seemed pretty unimportant!

_____

"Eeeow!" she hissed as her hand recoiled. "That's disgusting! Put that thing back in your pants. What do you think you're doing?"

"Aw, come on Rosemary. We're in love. We're practically going steady. Haven't we been going out for over a month?" My brain was consumed with the idea of getting those long, cool, lovely fingers wrapped around my hot rod again.

"That's not the kind of thing that people in love do. That's for perverts and monsters. What kind of girl do you think I am?" Her face was all scrunched up like I was the filthiest animal on the planet, although it didn't stop her from eating more of the popcorn I'd bought her.

"Come on, Rosemary," I began begging. "It's okay. Just play with it for a bit. You know I love you."

"Listen, Barry. I'm a nice girl and nice girls don't do such things. We can kiss but nothing else." She sulked.

"You weren't such a nice girl when you gave Kevin and Eddie hand jobs," I fumed, realizing as the words left my mouth that they were the stupidest I could've uttered.

"What? How dare you? I never did any such thing in my life! You boys are all nasty and you're all LIARS! Take me home this instant. I don't even want to be your girlfriend if you and your friends talk about me like that. Take me home right now, Barry Hodges!"

"but the movie's not even half over and the second feature is the one I really wanted to see." I whined.

Rosemary stood up and shouted, "ARE YOU TAKING ME HOME OR WHAT?"

The ride home was torture. I will spare you the details except to mention that when I asked for the lemon drops back she rolled each one in her mouth before spitting them out all over my car. The lunatic bitch! After I dropped her off I went home and called the guys to give them a rundown on my disastrous evening.

They howled with laughter, all the while insisting that their Rosemary experiences were totally true but I was beginning to wonder about that. The capper was when Kevin said, "So, not only didn't you get any action but you didn't even get to see "Pirates Tale," which you've been talking about for weeks?"

"I'm gonna cut school tomorrow and go catch an early show. Piss on Rosemary."I said.

That night, even though I'd had such a terrible time with Rosemary and had big-mouthed my way into having to play truant, my attention-hungry prick thumped and strained until I had to jerk off...twice.

The next day I tried to play it cool so I wouldn't get in trouble. I phoned the school pretending I was my father and the old crone in the principal's office seemed to buy it. Then I checked out the movies and found that the one I wanted to see was playing downtown. I could spend some time in a doughnut shop next door for half an hour and then the whole day in the dark sanctuary of the movies. Now the only thing left was to forge a note to take to school tomorrow. Maybe, I thought, I was destined for a life of crime.

The Orpheum was bigger than I had imagined. It was one of those big, gaudy palaces that wasn't surviving the coming of television and the burbs. It was too opulent and grandiose for the time although it was now tired, dirty and shopworn...like the old crone in the ticket booth with her heavy, out of date makeup caking her wrinkles.

I bought popcorn at the ancient refreshment stand then I headed up to the balcony. I wondered if I would have the whole movie palace to myself.

The house lights were down and a severely amateurish travelogue on the Netherlands was playing. I picked out a middle seat in the second row and absently chewed on some incredibly stale popcorn while looking around to see what kinds of creatures inhabited this weird world. Lots of men, young and old were sitting alone or in pairs, a lot more of them patrolling the aisles, wandering around as if there weren't seats available. I didn't know that it was going to rain but a lot of them were wearing raincoats.

When the "Roadrunner" cartoon came on, a guy came and sat in my row. He was a swarthy type, maybe Greek or Italian. He looked about three years older than me, which would have made him 21. He kept changing seats, each time moving closer to me. I guess the seats were uncomfortable. I had found one that was okay, with no bare springs, but the floor was really sticky. Finally the guy sat next to me and sighed at finally finding a good seat.

"Mind if I sit here?" he asked politely.

"No problem," I answered as I sipped my coke.

The movie came on and looked like it might be interesting.

My row-mate was squirming about in his seat like he had a goldfish in his pants. Then he unsnapped his trousers and unzipped them. I noticed this out of the corner of my eye and then he takes out this thick, long prick and begins jerking off, all the while keeping his eyes glued to the screen. I couldn't figure it out. This wasn't a tittie movie or nothing. Maybe he got off on Pirates, fer crissake.

I was really freaked and I looked around to see if anyone was noticing. I looked into the row behind us and saw some guy with his face in another man's crotch and another guy standing up behind them jerking his cock.

JEEZ! This place was packed with perverts. I sunk lower in my chair and my heart was beating. Now I recognized the familiar odor which permeated the place. It was the same one I'd smell on my funky underwear which I used as a cum rag. It was jizz, mixed with sweat and smegma. I felt dizzy and light-headed and I don't know why I didn't get up and flee, but I didn't.

Then I felt the guy next door's hand on my pants-covered prick.

"I...I'm not that way," I squeaked out in a strangled voice.

"Who is? Relax, buddy. Your cock seems to like it." He applied more pressure and got more of a response.

I was about to get up, but his hand felt so good clutching and thumping my corduroy encases sausage that I wanted him to keep doing it. Shit, it felt just like it would've if that bitch Rosemary had consented to jerk me off. He unbuttoned my fly and began waving my naked, hard dick into the air before beginning to give me an incredible hand job. His thick, moist fingers played my stiff rod like a piccolo. Waves of burning ecstasy emanated from my groin and flooded my body with tingling delight. His thumb rotated on my dribbling pisshole, smearing the clear liquid in ever widening circles around the crown.

"Hey," he whispered, drawing me back to reality, "it's kind of customary to return favors here at the Orpheum."

Well, the guy was giving me such an excellent work over, how could I refuse? I placed my hand on his slimy, twitching boner. I thought I'd be grossed out, but I was fascinated by the texture, weight, girth and heat of another man's cock as I started jerking him off. We pulled each other's puds in total silence. Then he leaned down as if to kiss my oozing prick but instead, took the whole cock deep into his hot, wet mouth. I groaned with pleasure as he visited incredible sensations on my eager tool. I leaned back and closed my eyes and that's when I felt something hard and damp touch my ear.

I turned my head and stared into the piss slit of the fattest, veiniest cock I'd ever seen. It was completely stiff but still had a rosette of enfolding foreskin on the plum-sized head.

The owner of this monster nudged the back of my head with his hand, pulling me toward his meat.

"Go on, kid, give it a try."

I froze. I recognized the voice. It was Larry Manieri, a juvenile delinquent who had dropped out of school our sophomore year, supposedly to take up a life of crime. He had threatened to beat me up a number of times and now here he was in some slimy pervert theater asking me to beat him off. Ain't life ironic?

My lips were now touching that monstrous cock and suddenly I knew that this was something I wanted. I opened my mouth and he guided his giant cock right in. I tried to imitate what the Greek guy was doing to me but I guess it takes practice.

"Watch the fucking teeth, man!" Larry hissed before feeding me more of his snake.

I was sweating, straining, pumping and pistoning, slobbering all over the bully's dick while the other guy had both of my balls filling his cheeks and a finger tapping on my asshole. Suddenly I felt my jizz boiling and the juice shot from my pulsating peter, geysering into my sucker's throat. When I tried to spit out the dick in my mouth (the party was over...I had come) the guy held my head.

"I didn't say for you to stop! Turn around and kneel in the seat and finish me off!" Larry growled.

"Naw, I'm through. Got no energy left. I gotta go."

"Find some energy Barry. It is Barry isn't it? Now just turn around and suck me off and I won't tell your friends, or call the school and tell them you're playing hooky and sucking cock."

So, I rotated in my seat and encased his bloated prick back into my disinterested maw. I was thinking a lot of unfriendly things but I figured I might as well do what he asked. I'm kinda optimistic and besides, this cocksucking thing was something that I guessed my hormones had been secretly hollering for. And Larry's schlong was definitely the piece to practice on. Soon I was gulping it down my gullet, throttling it with my throat muscles and had both my face and his crotch awash in gooey saliva.

Aiding with my education was the Mediterranean acquaintance who had slipped my pants down around my ankles and had been slobbering into my asscrack until he'd finally managed to slip his tongue into my tight butthole. Horrified at first, I soon began to understand that this felt fucking fantastic. As he gnawed and lapped at my loosening sphincter and I managed to stuff more of Larry's hammerdick past my tonsils, I found it almost impossible to believe that I was queer and was definitely going to hell.

Larry continued grunting and thrusting his meatclub deeper into my mouth and I felt the other dude insert a finger into my ass along with his plunging tongue.

"I'm gonna shoot! Suck it down. Drink my fucking jizz you motherfucker, motherfucker MOTHERFUCKER!...

I swallowed as much of the rich pungent cream as I could. I licked the dribbled nectar from his hairy balls and musty blue jeans. I looked up into Larry's eyes.

"That was great, kid. You're a natural born cocksucker!" he grinned down at me.

"Dick here," he said, nodding toward some young yuppie with a shirt and tie on, "wants it in your ass. Think you can handle it?" By that time, my Greek had my ass stretched and was burying his entire tongue into my bunghole.

"I dunno. I'd rather you tried it first."

"I'll do it, but you need something smaller than mine at first. Let Dick fuck your ass and then I'll go second..."

Well, I really caught hell when I finally made it home. Rosemary had called my folks. My mom cried and Dad shouted and threatened to beat my ass and they confined me to my room. As I walked up the stairs, feeling the jizz squishing out of my now gaping asshole (Yeah, Larry had been second, and then Lou was third and somebody called Buzz was fourth and then the Greek guy, Stanley, plundered my cum-squooshing asshole and then had me fuck him which was the greatest fucking thing I'd every done.)

"I'm sorry, folks," I said contritely as I left, "It will never happen again, I promise!"

The next day I was eating my sandwich, alone. Rosemary had told everyone at school, too. Even my buddies weren't speaking to me. Finally Eddie and Kevin came up to me and said, "hey, don't let it bother you. I don't know why they're so fucking worked up. Shit, you'd think you were someone like that fucking loser, Larry Manieri."

"What a prick!" Kevin interjected.

"So, did you see it?" Eddie asked. He was, I guessed later, referring to the Pirate movie but I answered them both...

"I saw it at the matinee yesterday."

THE     END